Spiralling Out Of Control [Kieran]

What with the holidays coming up, Ellie should have felt happy. No school, no stress - just lots of sleep and relaxation time. Well, that definitely was the case for everyone but Ellie. The holidays were going to be filled with just as much stress as the past couple of months had been. The stress of school would diminish slightly, but the stress of the outside world was going to do its best to make up for it.

With a nod of thanks, Ellie downed the vodka shot that the sexy bartender brought to her, not even making a face as the fiery liquid burned her throat. How many of these had she even had tonight? No idea. She'd lost track. All she knew was that she still could remember her reason for the bar visit and that meant only one thing - she hadn't managed to drink herself into oblivion just yet.

She sighed, bringing her hands up to her face. The sleeve of her stripey top came down, revealing small yet angry red lines on the skin of her arm. She wasn't coping, and this was helping her deal. "Same again, please," she asked of the bartender, dropping her hands. He paused, looking at her for a moment before complying. Another shot slid down Ellie's throat. It was going to be a long night.

~
Outfit

Professionally, Kieran had had a great couple of weeks lately. He had got himself published in important Law magazines, he had got himself into projects and his students were getting better by day, it seemed. That was the most important thing that a teacher could accomplish; seeing that his kids were doing a good job, that meant that his work hadn't been in vain. He had old students who were now working in different fields of Law, which meant that he had done a good job.

However, he was not feeling as amazing as he should have, because his personal life was coming in-between. You would think that he had everything if you saw him, but reality was slightly different than this. He had been living the American dream for a while, along with Ellie, but now, not everything seemed to be as good as before. They were not talking anymore and there were weeks when they only saw each other in class, as if he was just another teacher and she was just another student.

Hitting the bar, he hadn't expected necessarily to see her in there. However, meeting her at the bar just made him think that maybe it was better and maybe they could talk. Not there, with all those eyes and ears on them, but later, somewhere else. He went up to the bar as well and sat down by her, looking at the bartender. "A beer," he ordered, then slightly turned his eyes towards Ellie. "Hey," he greeted softly.

Ellie's phone buzzed in her pocket and with her brain starting to feel ever-so-slightly fuzzy around the edges she withdrew it. Fuzzy was good. Fuzzy meant that ignoring everything that was going on would become much more easier as the night wore on and the drinks became even more numerous.

'Mum and Dad are arguing again. I can't sleep; the yelling is so loud. Can I come crash at yours? Please? -Nat'

The brunette sighed as she read her sister's text. The arguing between her parents had been on the rise for a good month or so. Ellie was lucky enough to only be caught up in it the rare times she went home. Natasha had it the hardest; she'd already run away from home only to hide in Ellie's dorm room several times. Ellie had even made her a key.

'Sure. I'm not home. Let yourself in. Stay safe xox' The text sent and the brunette shoved her phone back into her pocket. She'd been so preoccupied with sending the text, she hadn't noticed the newcomer.

At the sound of the familiar voice, she looked over, blinking in surprise. "H-hey..." she greeted him. "What are you...what are you doing here?" It had been a long while since she'd seen him properly, outside of university.

Kieran was not necessarily mad at Ellie for almost ignoring him over the past few weeks, but he was curious about why this had happened. If she was having trouble with school, for example, she could tell him, maybe he could help. If she was arguing with friends or something similar, he could stand by her. In any case, he wanted to be with her, but it seemed like she only wanted to push him away. At least that was what he understood from her behavior.

When she asked what he was doing there, he looked at her with a raised eyebrow, gently grabbing the beer the bartender had brought him. He had many questions for her and it sucked that he couldn't ask them there, but he hoped that later that night, things would get at least a little bit better. "Just came for a beer," he replied. His voice was impersonal, but not cold, as you may have expected. "How about you?" He couldn't not notice that something was truly off with her and it seemed that the text had done even worse. But she had to talk to him about it, he couldn't guess what was going on with her.

It had been partly her fault for their long absences from each other, partly his. Ellie hadn't meant to push him away, not really. At first when she'd needed him, he'd seemed so busy with his own life that she felt like she couldn't interrupt, couldn't ask for more of his time. And then slowly she'd just started retreating, not just from him but from everyone. As the weeks passed she became more and more of a hermit, venturing out only to classes and to the bar. If no one bothers to take the effort to see if I'm ok, why should I bother to see them? So it was alone that she faced all her problems.

She'd wanted to reach out to Kieran so many times. But he always seemed busy. So she only got to see him during classes. Besides, after such a long absence she hardly wanted for the first thing she told him to be bad news.

At his question, Ellie ran a hand through her hair "Drinking with friends. Though they don't seem to be having such a good time - I think they got the short end of the stick," she replied with a wry smile and a nod at the empty shot glasses in front of her that the bar staff were yet to take away. She'd noted his tone - impersonal just like when they talked in class or anywhere but his office. He was always on guard. "So, uh, how are things going with you?" she asked, ignoring the buzz in her pocket that was probably her sister saying thanks. She knew how he was - she'd seen the magazines he'd been published in, but talking seemed better than silence.

Kieran took a sip from his beer, knowing that in the bar, they were supposed to look like a teacher and his student and nothing else. And anyway, after all the time they hadn't spoken to each other apart from classes, it was not that easy to act differently, unfortunately. She ran a hand through his hair, setting the bottle down and turning his eyes back at her. She seemed so off with everything that was going on, that he felt that he needed to do something about it, that if she wanted to let him.

Hearing her question, he shrugged slightly, as if he hadn't been that busy lately, despite the fact that they both knew that the situation was a bit different. He had worked on all of those papers and projects, and part of this was his fault, he knew it. "They're going well, actually," he replied. "But they could go better." He had to add this, knowing that she was smart and she was going to understand that this was meant especially for her. He took another sip of beer, his eyes accidentally going down on her wrist. A deep frown showed up on his forehead when he noticed the red lines. "What are those, Volkova?" he asked shortly.

It was so weird - after all the time they'd been together, after everything they've been through, to go back to feeling like she was just with a friend that she hadn't seen in a very long time. Deep down inside, she still cared for him; she doubted that would ever change. But...

She watched him running his hand through his hair, remembering how those same hands had held her close, had caressed her. His brown eyes were focused on her and once again she felt herself getting lost in them. That was the thing she loved most about Kieran - his gorgeous eyes.

"That's good. I'm glad things are going great for you," she told him with a smile, about to take a drink but realising that her glass was empty. Within moments, however, a vodka-lemonade was being pushed into her hand by one of the bargirls who knew Ellie to be an almost-regular. Ellie just gave a grateful grin in return. "I saw your paper in the latest law magazine," the brunette commented, turning back to look at Kieran. "Congratulations."

At his question, she gave a shrug, taking a sip of her drink. "Cat scratched me. I got a kitten a little while back. Helps keep the room less lonely," she lied expertly, not missing a beat. "No big deal," she added, pulling at the hem of her sleeve so it covered the marks back up again. It was the only lie that seemed to work; she'd had to use it on Nat several weeks ago. Ellie still felt terrible that the girl had actually believed her, but what else had Ellie been supposed to say to the sweet dear?

She looked down at her drink, swirled the ice inside it around with her straw. She wanted to get out of here, go somewhere to actually talk. Not that she wanted to do much of that either - she was much too used to bottling it all inside. But the conversation was a tad heartbreaking - after all this time of not seeing each other, having to act like they weren't together.

Were they still together? Ellie wasn't sure. But she wasn't about to ask. Not here, anyway. And she wasn't about to suggest they go anywhere; he was the man, he could take the lead and do it.

Kieran knew that after all this time, they had to have a serious conversation about what was happening, so the small bar was not the best place. But thinking it over again, did he want to find out the answer? The question was whether they were still together, where they were going and what they were doing. But what if the answer was not the one he wanted to hear? Maybe he should put it off as much as he could. Of course, it was a silly thought that something would change. It was like the fear of going to the doctor's, which was actually the fear of possibly finding out that you had a disease, for example.

But no, he couldn't postpone it, especially after hearing Ellie's lie. Because he could see that it was a lie. Maybe everyone else would fall to her game, but he was not that easy to be fooled, he knew her too well, after all. "Thanks. I've had a good time, professionally speaking," he replied to her congratulations, then set his half-drunk bottle of beer down. "Do you want me to drive you home? I think you've had enough to drink, you couldn't get home by yourself," he said, despite the fact that this was only for him to get some time just with her, to fix things up, if there was anything that needed fixing. If there was anything that he could fix.

Taking a long sip of her drink, Ellie looked up at him, silent in thought. The not knowing was probably the hardest. The not knowing what was going through his mind, not knowing what was happening between them. Sure, the actual facts might be a lot less scarier than what she was thinking, but what if they weren't. What if, after all this time, this was it? This was goodbye?

Ells raised an eyebrow slightly. "I'm fine, really. I'm Russian, remember? I can drink almost anyone under the table," she replied with a chuckle to his comment about her having drunk enough for the night. "I can even prove it by walking in a straight line. And I could so get home," she protested. "I just don't want to yet. But...how about a walk? Some fresh air would be nice..." She didn't want to head home just yet. She wasn't sure if that had been Kieran's way of subtly trying to just get her outside in order to talk, or if he did actually want to take her home, but either way, her suggestion had been offered.

When Ellie refused, he just nodded sadly, suddenly staring down at his hands. He didn't necessarily want to get her home already; he didn't know how much she had drunk and she didn't seem dizzy yet, so the only reason why he had said it was getting her somewhere alone, so they could talk. But she hadn't understood this, unfortunately. Or maybe she didn't want to understand... His mind was filled with questions and that made him dizzy, pretty much just like alcohol.

But when he heard her suggestion, he raised his deep eyes again and looked into hers, not smiling anymore, actually being paternally serious. He had things to find out and he was not going to leave until he did find them out. Someone had once said that you just don't leave people you love. Which was why she was not going to leave her now.

"Good," he nodded, putting the money down on the bar, despite the fact that he hadn't finished his beer. He also paid for what she had drunk, then got down from her stool and waited for her to do the same.

Downing her drink, she was about to slap a note down onto the bar to cover her drinks for the night, but Kieran got there first. She didn't protest - he was a teacher with a steady income, she was only just getting by. "Thanks," she mumbled, following him outside.

She'd noticed the change in him, how he'd gone completely serious and suddenly she wished for the blissfully numbing effect that alcohol was so adept in bringing. The female really did not want to have a serious conversation right now, least of all with Kieran. Because the truth was that she feared the moment she'd open her mouth, she'd start bawling. And that just wouldn't do; Ellie couldn't stand other people seeing her cry - she thought it to be weak of her.

As the cool night air hit her, she took a deep breath and turned to look at him. Her green eyes searching his, as she tried to come up with something to say. Maybe she should just ask him, instead of the beating around the bush that was bound to happen. Like ripping off a plaster, right? You just had to close your eyes and do it.

"Kieran wh... I... I've missed you," she finished, so softly that her words might have been carried off on the wind. "What's been going on?" she added, slightly louder as she looked at him, confusion and hurt in her eyes.

Kieran didn't even respond to her thanks, but started walking out of the bar quietly. Maybe she didn't want to have a serious conversation with him at the moment, but he wanted to. And she had to do it at some point, and that moment was the best one. Because who knew? Maybe after that night, they would go back to being just a student and his teacher and that couldn't lead to a serious discussion, obviously.

Walking out, he got on a dark alley, so no one could see them, not even bothering to pull her with him, assuming that if she wanted to be with him and talk to him, she would follow by herself. Once there, he turned to face her, the same hard look on his face. He almost sighed hearing her words, but stopped just in time, knowing that some things were even more important than their relationship at the moment.

"Exactly," he replied. "What's been going on, Ellie? What are you doing?" He took a gentle hold of her wrist and pulled out her sleeve, to reveal the red lines once again. "What are these?" he asked paternally, waiting for the truth now.

Ellie frowned at Kieran's actions as she followed him. So he was going to sulk now? Hers was the world that was crashing down around her and yet he was going to act all put off and hurt? Ok, so it probably hurt quite a bit seeing your girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, whatever she was to him, in such a bad way. But this wasn't helping. She followed him silently, collecting her thoughts, not even making a witty remark about the fact that they were in an alley. Fine, if he wants to talk, right here and now, I'll be happy to get down to the bottom of it all. Could have picked a better place though; if he's going to break up here, that's so unclassy.

The brunette turned to face her professor as he stopped. Her eyes searched his as he took a hold of her wrist and revealed her wounds, opening her mouth to say something, anything, in her defense. But her mind blanked out and no words came out. That look of his hurt. That cold hard look that she'd only seen once or twice before.

Finally she gave a sigh. "What do you want me to say, Kieran?" she asked quietly, her voice serious. "That everything's turned to shit and I'm not dealing? I've found me two coping mechanisms, both of which you saw tonight. And don't get all self-righteous on me - you weren't there when I needed you. So I gave up. There's only so many times a girl can be told 'not tonight honey, I'm busy' before she gives up," she uttered, trying to keep her voice from breaking.

"Why do you care anyway; it's my body, I can do whatever the hell I like with it," she added sullenly, wiping away a stray tear that ran down her cheek.

Kieran had to admit that he was a bit scared about what was happening with his girlfriend; because he entirely refused to label her as 'ex-girlfriend', or something similar. That was not going to end, that didn't have to end. He had only found happiness along to one of his students, her, and he couldn't imagine life without her. But he was not scared for their relationship as much as he was scared for her, for her drinking and cutting herself.

"Are you telling me that I was not there for you?" he asked. His figure may have been hard and a bit cold, but his voice was rather kind. "You only called me how many times? Once, twice? Then you just...disappeared. You disappeared and his yourself in drinking and cutting. Do you think this is what you have to do? Do you think these make things better?"

When she asked why he cared, he frowned slightly. "Why I care?" she repeated. "Because I am Kieran and you are Ellie, and that's what I do," he replied, a bit more harshly than before; but he was doing that only because he loved her and he didn't want to see her that way.

"No, you weren't! You were much too busy furthering your own career," Ellie shot back, only just stopping herself from stomping her foot. The last thing that she wanted was to look like a toddler that was having a temper tantrum. "Which, for the record, is fine and all. Don't for one second think I'm all bitter about it, because I'm not. It's great that your work is getting published and you're becoming more well-known. It's just..." It's just I missed you. And I needed you but you were busy...

Ellie gave a sigh. "I called about three times. Maybe four. I felt like I was interrupting every time I called you. Like I was being a nuisance or something. So I stopped calling. I'd figured that when you were done and ready, you'd call... So yes, I disappeared. I went back to being a hermit, just like I always do when things get rough. I've learned over the years that you shouldn't rely on anyone but yourself, so I learnt how to cope on my own. This was how I coped all through high-school. It's the only way I know how to cope. Physical pain is just easier for me to deal with than emotional pain." The female looked down as she spoke, not looking Kieran in the eye. She didn't want to look at him, didn't want to see the pain and turmoil that was bound to be reflected in his eyes.

At Kieran's final words, the brunette looked up and stared at him for a long moment. Finally she sunk down onto the ground, bringing her knees to her chest and hiding her face from him. "It just...helps me deal," she uttered quietly after a long silence, finally looking up again. "I thought that...that when I stopped the last time, that I wouldn't do it again. But I can't help it. It's so addictive." A lone tear slid down her cheek but Ellie didn't even bother to wipe it away. "Kieran I...I don't know what to do," she whispered, hugging her knees close. She was scared. Scared, confused, upset. Not to mention tired. She was so tired of all this emotional stress; that was why she drank - to escape it and forget that it existed. Forgetting was becoming her best friend; she couldn't give it up and go back to feeling despair and sadness. Not to mention she was so worried that she was going to lose him, if she hadn't already, now he knew her shameful little secret.

Ellie's words were hitting Kieran like a hammer, because he hadn't meant for this to happen. To hell with it, he had no idea what was happening with Ellie! He had been such a selfish social climber, he had only cared about his job and how he was getting better by day, and he had ignored her, because it was the truth. But if he had known, he wouldn't have done that. She should have told him what her problem was, because he was willing to help her cope with it all.

It hurt him to see that his girlfriend was so damaged that she had taken up cutting herself and drinking in order to make it all better. But what she couldn't see was the fact that this was not going to help, at all. She was hurting herself without any goal, because the pain was not going to fade away just like that, if she didn't try to actually solve her problems, with his help or not.

His heart sunk completely when she dropped onto the ground and pulled her knees to her chest. "Ellie, no," he murmured, getting down to her level and cupping her small face with his hands. She wiped the tear away with his thumb, then placed a short, but deep kiss on her forehead. "I am sorry, I should have noticed. I was so blinded by what I was doing, I don't even know how it happened. But trust me, if I had known, I wouldn't have run away. You have to trust me. Come," he said gently, sitting down on the cold ground as well, hugging her from behind. "I am here now, okay?" he said, gently kissing her shoulder. "And I am not leaving. Whether you like it or not, I am staying, Ellie. Because this is right."